(Danny and Jon are in a car; the car pulls up to Danny’s house)
DANNY
Would you like to come up?
JON
It’s kind of late.
DANNY
Do you want to wrestle?
JON
Wrestle?
DANNY
Do you wanna?
JON I
mean… uhm… no?
DANNY
Okay.
JON
Okay. Have a good night.
DANNY
Would you like to come up?
JON
It’s kind of late.
DANNY
I have beer.
JON
Cool cool. Okay then, have a good night.
DANNY
Would you like to come up?
(The End)
(JOANNA and STEPHANIE are walking down a street together, in New York City)
JOANNA
The city is so… uncrowded.
STEPHANIE
Yeah, since the pandemic – everyone is upstate.
JOANNA
In the woods?
STEPHANIE
I guess… yes, with trees, and squirrels… and bears.
JOANNA
Bears?
STEPHANIE
There are bears – I think. And coyotes.
JOANNA
Wow. But we’re still here! We should party!
STEPHANIE
Definitely. Let’s hit a club.
JOANNA
A club? Won’t that be dangerous?
STEPHANIE
Dangerous?
JOANNA
All those people…
STEPHANIE
So?
JOANNA
All those people… exhaling; it will be a virus stew…
STEPHANIE
I mean… sure… it will be virus stew.
JOANNA
Okay.
STEPHANIE
Okay?
JOANNA
Sure – let’s go.
(The End)
LAURA
Darling!
JEREMY
Hey there!
LAURA
What are you drinking?
JEREMY
Martinis.
LAURA
I need to catch up…
JEREMY
I just got here.
LAURA
Still, I’m ridiculously sober.
JEREMY
Javier, two martinis for my lady here.
JAVIER
(To Laura)
How would you like them?
LAURA
Traditional; 5 partis gin; 1 part vermouth; stirred, not shaken… with two olives.
JAVIER
I think I love you.
JEREMY
Get in line…
(Javier goes to make the drinks)
LAURA
So how has your day been?
JEREMY
Oh, fine… just the usual thing. Waiting to see you…
LAURA
Really?
JEREMY
Absolutely.
LAURA
You shouldn’t do that.
JEREMY
But I love you.
LAURA
I love you too – but still, you shouldn’t do that. You should live for each minute – not for the next minute.
JEREMY
But you’re all that matters.
LAURA
That’s simply not true. Time to grow up darling.
JEREMY
But…
(JAVIER brings the drinks)
JAVIER
Here you are.
LAURA
(to JAVIER)
How has your day been?
JAVIER
Filled with seconds. Like every day.
LAURA
Seconds?
JAVIER
Small moments, like this one. Punctuated with alcohol. You meet someone,
you make their drink. You deliver it.
LAURA
And then what will you do, when this moment ends, and someone else orders a drink?
JAVIER
I’ll make that next drink, of course.
LAURA
But what if I don’t want you to leave?
JEREMY
Laura…
(The End)
ALBERT
Oh hello Rupert.
RUPERT
Hello there Albert.
ALBERT
How is everything then?
RUPERT
Oh well – if I must say it is all terribly terribly terribly good.
ALBERT
Oh well then that sounds not so bad!
RUPERT
Yes. If I must say.
ALBERT
Well then, what happened?
RUPERT
Well, do you know the 9th Symphony? The one by Beethoven?
ALBERT
Well, yes. I would say that I should know that one at least.
RUPERT
Well, yes, but the thing of it is… the point of the matter is that I was at the Symphony last evening listening to it… and whilst at the symphony I noticed in the program that there was a dropped comma in the third paragraph describing the second violinist who has a particularly important moment in phrasing the third movement.
ALBERT
Did you then?
RUPERT
Well yes, absolutely. And so I pointed it out… and wouldn’t you know it, I was assured that it shall be corrected forthwith.
ALBERT
Oh well good show.
RUPERT
Oh well…
ALBERT
No… absolutely… well done… excellent…
RUPERT
Oh well…
ALBERT
So then how was the concert?
RUPERT
The what?
ALBERT
The 9th Symphony. How was it?
RUPERT
Oh. Well… quite good I should think. It is one of the finest of his symphonies I should think.
ALBERT
At least in his top nine.
RUPERT
Yes. Quite right. At least.
ALBERT
Yes.
RUPERT
So how are things with you then?
ALBERT
Oh. Well. Less then entirely excellent I should say.
RUPERT
Oh. Well then. What seems to be the matter?
ALBERT
Oh well it’s just a little thing. Doesn’t merit repeating.
RUPERT
Oh I see. Really yes. But were you to repeat it, what might it be?
ALBERT
Oh I see… well it’s just that I was at the physician’s yesterday – you remember Doctor Worthingtonstratfordshire do you not?
RUPERT
I think so – he has that little terrier he likes to prattle on about?
ALBERT
Precisely so. A miniature schnauzer I think. Strange dog for a grown man if you ask me.
RUPERT
I quite agree. One would have thought he’d have a proper dog, were he to have a dog at all.
ALBERT
Quite so. Quite. Exactly. Precisely so. Yes.
RUPERT
But you were saying. You visited him?
ALBERT
Oh yes. Well the long and short of it is that I have no more than a day or two to be alive.
RUPERT
Oh. I see.
ALBERT
Yes.
RUPERT
A day or two?
ALBERT
Yes.
RUPERT
No longer than that?
ALBERT
Apparently not.
RUPERT
Not, for example, 72 hours?
ALBERT
Not that I was told. Though that would be quite splendid – having 72 hours. I mean… not under normal circumstances…
RUPERT
Certainly not.
ALBERT
Absolutely not. But in the setting where you’re told you have only 24 hours… 24 to 48 hours… then 72 hours to live doesn’t seem quite so bad, does it?
RUPERT
No… no… it really doesn’t.
ALBERT
Perspective, I believe you call that.
RUPERT
Relativism. It’s all relative isn’t it?
ALBERT
Yes…. exactly. Precisely.
RUPERT
Yes well quite good seeing you.
ALBERT
And you. Please remember me to your lovely wife.
RUPERT
Oh I will. Thank you.
ALBERT
Off we go then.
RUPERT
Yes
(The End)
(REX RYAN, the coach of the New York Jets, has a foot fetish. Here he is at the thirty yard line of the practice field, coaching his field goal kicker NICK FOLK).
REX
Hey, how’s it going?
FOLK
Oh pretty good, pretty good… was just finishing…
REX
Finishing?
FOLK
Yeah – I’ve been here for like three hours already, made all my kicks…
REX
But… what about kicks for different situations?
FOLK
Different situations?
REX
Yeah – like… can you make the kick if your shoe flies off?
FOLK
Coach…
REX
It’s happened before. Many times. Don’t you think you should be ready for a situation like that?
FOLK
No coach, I don’t think that’s really going to happen…
REX
It could happen…
FOLK
These are tied really tight…
REX
Folk, if you lose the shoe in the game and miss a kick because you didn’t practice, you’ll never forgive yourself. Ever.
FOLK
Well, when you put it like that….
REX
That’s the spirit… let’s see that shoe come off. Now…
FOLK
Which one?
REX
Oh… hmmm… that’s a good question… which one… which one… maybe we need to see both of them…
FOLK
Coach, I really don’t think this is…
REX
Did you ever hear of Tony Franklin?
FOLK
Yeah coach, you’ve told me about…
REX
Tony Franklin kicked barefoot, Folk. Barefoot. Played for the Eagles, never put a shoe over his lovely lovely feet…
FOLK
I don’t think that’s really…
REX
He just walked right out there, wiggled his long nicely curved toes in the ground, and kicked…
FOLK
Okay, I’m going to go now…
REX
We have a game to win Folk – you need to practice!
FOLK
I’m outta here…
(The End)
(SILVIA is slumped over at the kitchen table. JASON comes in)
JASON
What’s wrong?
SILVIA
I feel so bad…
JASON
Hung over?
SILVIA
Yeah… I’m not drinking again… ever…
JASON
You did drink a lot…
SILVIA
I’m still not over it… I might still be drunk…
JASON
How much did you have?
SILVIA
I drank all the liquor in the whole world.
JASON
Oh. Well.. that would be a lot then.
SILVIA
Yeah…
JASON
So – maybe you’re starting 2011 having learned a valuable lesson.
SIVLIA
Yeah… I guess I am.
JASON
And what would that be?
SIVLIA
Recover from New Year’s Eve alone. As in… completely… alone…
JASON
Oh. I see.
SILVIA
Yeah…
(The End)
(JEREMY and STEVE are at a New Year’s Party, surrounded by FRIENDS. They’re both holding glasses of champagne. They clink glasses, and drink)
JEREMY
That’s not bad…
STEVE
Yeah… it’ll do, it’ll do…
JEREMY
Happy New Year!
STEVE
You too man… hope it’s a good one.
JEREMY
Yeah… wow… two thousand and eleven…
STEVE
Did you make any resolutions?
JEREMY
Nah, man… I don’t do that…
STEVE
Oh… yeah… I think you told me that last year.
JEREMY
Did I?
STEVE
Yeah – you said they were lame for you, but not me… seeing as I had made a bunch of resolutions and all…
JEREMY
Oh… I see… I see… yeah, I don’t remember that but yeah, okay… I guess they’re just lame for me. Not for you for example.
STEVE
Yeah.
JEREMY
So how did they work out?
STEVE
What?
JEREMY
Your resolutions… from last year… how’d those work out for you?
STEVE
Oh. I mean… I guess fine. I’m still here and all.
JEREMY
Yeah, but what I’m askin’ is if you got any of them done.
STEVE
My resolutions?
JEREMY
Yeah… those things… that you resolved to do. Did you do ‘em?
STEVE
I mean… yeah… I guess so… I’m pretty sure I did.
JEREMY
Like… what… for example?
STEVE
You want an example?
JEREMY
Yeah.
STEVE
Ok, sure… it’s just that… you told me to keep ‘em private.
JEREMY
What?
STEVE
Last year… when I was going to tell you what my resolutions were… you suggested I keep ‘em to myself.
JEREMY
Did I?
STEVE
Yeah.
JEREMY
You sure about that?
STEVE
Yeah… I am. I mean, I would tell you all about ‘em, but I think that was good advice… not to go on about it. I mean – who wants to hear about that?
JEREMY
Yeah. Still, maybe it could be inspirational – like how you made a resolution and then it changed your life and all.
STEVE
Nah man – there was nothing like that.
JEREMY
No?
STEVE
No.
JEREMY
Oh. Okay… Well, still… happy two thousand and eleven.
STEVE
Same to you bro. Have a good one.
(The End)